06 Feb

Progress report: day… not really sure

I spent today working on freelance ebook conversion and editing for the blog I work for. Wrenching my back put me into a week and a half tail spin. When I lose days, I tend to get into a real frustrated mind set. But I muddled through everything and managed to get the copy edits done for Hurricane Fever by Monday. Though I have to admit, I was a bit exhausted (and sacrificed some sleep to achieve this, and that puts me in a bad spiral of odd hours, and not getting sleep affects me very strongly). The back pain has left me not sleeping really well, too, unless I take a higher dose of pain medication, but then that leaves me chemically foggy when I wake up. It’s a weird see-saw. I’m mostly just very grumpy and frustrated by my inability to juggle two freelance careers and all the writing that needs done, and when I get into that mindset I tend to avoid personal blogging because, really, a lot of people would kill to have my problems. I recognize that. So bemoaning the fact that people are begging me to write things, for money no less, is hardly a way to endear myself to many.

And yet, my problems are indeed my problems and no less frustrating to me.

Thankfully, each day there is less and less back pain. I believe today was the first day I didn’t wake up and wince. I woke up and took a shower, and only when I stepped out and reached for the towel did I suddenly go ‘oh wait, I can’t twist like that, ow.’ In fact, I woke up refreshingly normal-feeling. And that’s no small thing.

Now that Hurricane Fever is turned in, I’m working on outlining PS-1. I’m doing this with pencil, and paper, and it’s hard to quantify. Scribbled notes and scraps of paper, which are part of my initial workflow.

I can tell I’m a bit stressed out and tired because I was developing that odd physical response I have to stress; a numb face and eye pressure (or twitch). It’s an odd thing in that I don’t feel panicked, I mentally know what is next on deck. I’m more productive than many I know. But I still hold myself to high standards, and when things feel like they’re falling apart (even if I know it’s only for a couple weeks) I still get ridiculously upset. As someone who blew off classes and never really cared about expectations or other people’s perceptions, it’s odd to me that I allow anything to get to me. But I adore my jobs, my life, and how I make a living now. And so I do care, strongly. And so deep down any delays, anything less than the standard I expect, becomes somehow insanely unacceptable.

I suspect, after the next 18 months, I should take two weeks off with the aim of specifically doing nothing. Pure indolence. Maybe longer, if I can swing it. I’ve never taken a vacation in as long as I can remember, I’ve always freelanced or wrote. I turned out to be a workaholic… much to my own amusement…

Once I have a solid outline that both the editor of my project and I like, I’ll probably calm right the fuck down. I always do. Fundamentally, I think I’m reacting to uncertainty and lack of new words, as I tend to feel most comfortable about having new words on the table…

What’s absolutely hilarious about all this self-imposed stress is that this has been an amazing week in terms of good news in terms of business stuff that I can’t announce.

Go figure!