Hey, Dumbass Dodge commercial dude, yeah you, come over here…

Because I don’t have cable I missed that horrifically awful Dodge commercial (your auto bailout tax dollars at work!).

I will get up and walk the dog at 6:30 AM…

Well who’s fucking idea was that? Get a peepad, or get a big dog that can fucking hold it who learns your schedule. Or better yet, don’t get a dog if you’re incapable of taking care of it. A real man understands what his life is like, and whether a dog fits in it. It’s not the dog’s fault, or anyone elses, that the dog needs to pee at 6:30. It’s a dog!

I will eat some fruit as part of my breakfast…

Who told you to eat fruit? Why is this said in a soul deadening voice? Fruit? This isn’t totalitarianism. Fruit’s tasty. It’s good for you. Eat something else if you want, you sound like fucking Eeyore. If eating fruit makes your life that tough, stop eating fucking fruit. Real men eat what they need to eat without bitching about it.

I will shave.

You poor, poor bastard. You could grow a nice beard too. We don’t live in Afghanistan, shockingly enough. A real man makes the decision whether he shaves or not.

I will clean the sink after I shave.

Yeah, well, that’s just being polite. Again, in the big scheme of things in the universe, having to clean up *after yourself* is not the end of the world. And yes, okay, it does suck when you get called out for leaving a mess in the sink. But a real man just skips shaving and goes in with some nice stubble if time is short.

I will be at work by 8am.

It’s called having a job. You’re not oppressed because you have a job. Right now there’s a recession on. Lots of people would like to have your job. Bitch about your job, everyone does, but its no reason to think your life sucks so bad when almost 10% of the population would very much LOVE to be in your position. A real man tries to keep his job and tries to have an income.

I will sit through two hour meetings.

Yeah, that sucks Mr. Suit. I think you should end it by jumping out of a building, or maybe going on a postal rampage. Don’t try to change the business culture where you work, its much easier to lapse into a black hole of apathy and self misery. You’re obviously contributing a LOT to society here, aren’t you? A real man either sucks it up and handles the meeting, or tries to get the meeting canceled by creative means. I recommend pulling the fire alarm.

I will say yes when you want me to say yes. I will be quiet when you don’t want to hear me say no.

See, now we’re beginning to see a repeatable problem. You seem to have set yourself up for failure in life. A real man marries a women who doesn’t dominate him, but is his partner. In other words, you don’t have to say yes because she wants you to, she values your opinion. It’s called an equal partnership. You know where two partners love each other and while they occasionally spar over things, each others’ opinions are valued? A real man can handle simple communication.

Update: someone tells me this may have been about your boss (by the way, the way you seem to both talking about your boss and your significant other all mixed up together, so that I can’t really tell the difference at times, shows you need to work on your speaking. Join a Toastmasters club. It might do something about your droning delivery?). If that’s the case I refer you back to the 10% unemployment/you’re lucky to have a job bullet point, and add in a sixpack of: “real men do their best to get into jobs that don’t require you to do shit like this. And if they do, they know it sucks, and suck it up, and start working on plans that will get them out of that sucky job, they don’t whine about it, they bitch it about over a beer.”

I will take your call.

Well, fuck, I would hope you’d not be a passive aggressive little weenie and duck calls. Because real men, they’re capable of answering the phone if they’re able. Yeah, if you’ve got shit to do, you won’t be answering the phone. But otherwise…

I will listen to your opinion of my friends.

Again, if finding out your woman doesn’t like a friend reduces you to a quivering pile of ‘help help I’m being repressed,’ you ain’t much of a man. Again, that partnership thing. I’ll bet even all your male friends don’t get along. Do you go cry boohoo every time Frank says Andy is a weenus, or do you just go ‘yeah, I know, but what can you do?’

I will listen to your friends’ opinions of my friends.

Sounds like you’re in a strange social group. Time to get out and quit whining about it.

I will be civil to your mother.

Rumor has it some in laws are a pain. I’ll give you this one, weenus man. I personally think most people should get married to someone who will let themselves be themselves around in laws, but I realize that may not be practical. Fair enough. Moving on (for the record, the man writing this blog has awesome in laws who he loves chilling with. Including my mom in law when she was alive, who shared my and my wife’s sense of humor, including South Park).

I will put the seat down.

I grew up on a boat. If you didn’t put the fucking seat down, it fell down when the boat rocked and broke the seat. Then where the fuck where you? Yeah. You know how hard it is to put the seat down? Not that hard. If that’s what it takes to get a hot chick to actually live with your non-cleaning-up-facial hair/non-dog walking/whining/victimized ass, then count yourself lucky. People are starving in Haiti and homeless, but your poor ass has to put a toilet seat down? If that’s too much for you, why not just pee on the carpet. You and your dog can live in a crate together that your wife lets you out of when she gets home…

I will separate the recycling.

Again, this speaks to your inability to choose someone who shares your values. If you don’t want to recycle, then don’t fucking marry someone who cares about separating the recycling. This isn’t rocket science. There are plenty of women out there who work for Conservative groups that I’m sure would be happy to make baby dolphins cry along with you when you don’t separate the recycling. You can laugh together as you put those unsnipped 6 pack plastic holder thingeys into the bin while thinking of all those dumbass seagulls that’ll get their heads caught in them too.

I will carry your lip balm.

Well, for one, its what, not my bigger than your key fob? It’ll fit handily in a pocket. Not the end of the world. Or, you could just be with someone who carries her own fucking lip balm? Again, not exactly a totalitarian plot here.

I will watch your vampire TV shows with you.

Hey now, Anna Paquin is hot in True Blood and there are worse ways to spend an hour. That being said, if it unmans you to watch movies about vampires, there are plenty of the ladies out there who don’t watch them. Alternatively, you could get together with someone who finds stuff you both like in common and watches that. Yeah, a stunning concept, I know, but consider it?

I will take my socks off before getting into bed.

Really? You can’t take your socks off before getting into bed? What the fuck kind of relationship are you in, dude? Did you know this was going to bug you for life that you couldn’t wear socks to bed before you got together? Because either you realized it was going to bug you for life and you’d hold it against her and you got together anyway, which is kind of lame, or you’re not man enough to just let it go because you wanted this relationship so bad it was worth it despite that. Either way, passive aggressive whining about it now, down the road? Not manly. No.

I will put the underwear in the basket.

I’m not even sure I understand this complaint, or what you’re talking about. I usually put my underwear in the top drawer of my dresser, like most other men…

And because I do this, I will drive the car I want to drive.

Haha, dude, your life is so fucking fucked, a car isn’t going to even begin to fix it, and you’re so far from a real man you don’t even know how to pick out a real car.

And from the way it sounds in this commercial, you are so fucking clueless and victimized and such a poor, poor, whipped creature (and I’m being sarcastic), that if this fictional you actually purchased this car, I’m betting the person with the real balls in the relationship would tell you ‘no’ anyway, or if she lets you get it, she’ll just drive it herself.

See, a real man, he wouldn’t have to even make this pathetic declaration.

A real man would probably check to make sure his relationships, his job, and his dog are in order before worrying about his car.

PS, for 0-60, and certainly for maneuverability, real men, if they’re looking at American supercars, probably look at the Corvette. It’s at least a full second faster on the 0-60, and it will corner the fuck out a road better than a Dodge (particularly a Dodge based on the frame of a Chrysler 300?). You can find a nice used Corvette in the $30K price range that would eat the Charger for lunch (personally, the man writing this blog entry favors the Subaru WRX STI, with a 1 second faster 0-60, vastly superior cornering, 4 doors, even a hatchback model, and great offroading capability!).

Also, here’s one woman’s response to the commercial:

Filed under the topic Journal on February 12th 2010 at 5:39 pm. You can subscribe to the RSS feed for this entry to keep track of comments. You can also use to trackback.